Sunday, March 3, 2013


Today I brought my 14 year old son to visit his brother. They played with the physio balls and laughed. We played monopoly.

And then we were told that videotaping ourselves, even with no other patients in the room, violated privacy laws. They asked me to delete the video I had made of the boys playing..laughing and wrestling like two normal brothers. I made sure we emailed it to me first. I couldn't delete it that way... I kept thinking to myself "what if this is the last REAL moment with him?"
They say this disease is only beginning but sometimes he seems so damn normal. How can they ask me to sign those papers when he is begging me to take him home? Sometimes I think I HAVE to sign because its the only way to keep him safe. Other times I second guess myself and think he is entitled to this search for truth. He swears he is not suicidal... He tells me he is ok now.

But in the same breath he asks why it's ok to be a kamikaze pilot and considered sane but anyone else willing to die is crazy. He told me that if another teenager told him that God was saying he had to die, that he himself would be able to discern if it really was the voice of God and if he decided it was... He would help them die.
His thoughts are all over the place but the criteria for staying in the hospital is that he is a danger to himself and that question is beyond me. I don't want to ever lose that boy. I want him safe.

I guess it's possible that he may hate me for signing. And I want it out of my hands. Why does it have to be me? Can't the doctors do this without me?

I need a sign... I need to pray and I need some kind of still small voice to guide me.
I need to know the right answer.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to follow that am balance - they won't let me take him. I can already picture that drive and don't want to make it alone.
My sweet confused boy is sitting alone staring out the window after 19 days of confinement and desperate for his freedom.
I pray tonight for an assurance I don't feel right now.

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