Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Shock therapy

I dreamed about Seth tonight. He was in a kind of therapy boot camp and the therapist had taken the kids to an ocean cliff. It was not a terribly high cliff but far too high for my peace of mind.
He told Seth to stand at the edge. He must have thought that it would scare Seth into thinking straight. That when faced with a chance to die, his will to live would kick in.

But Seth looked out at the ocean and he fell forward. He closed his eyes and just let himself go.

And I caught him by his shirt and hauled him with strength I did not know I had, into my arms. And then I held him against my chest like an infant and sobbed. I cried and I cried and kept repeating as I wept," thank God I have you, thank God I have you."

Apparently, having Seth disappear yesterday on his bike- spending over an hour searching, talking to police and then knowing he had gone to buy medication to hurt himself but for some time not having him safe with me- has created a fear that is haunting my sleep.
If only he knew how loved he was. If he had any idea... Has any child ever been loved more? I love that child in a visceral way... He is made of my flesh and bone and I grew him, held him inside of me... Cried when he took his first breath.
If he knew how it would kill me to lose him.
I am so tired... But I am unable to sleep without playing this out in my dreams.
I pray that my unshakable faith will carry us, as it has so many times before. I believe that love never fails. I believe in a God of everyday miracles.
I believe in angels.
I believe my child will live.

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