Tuesday, May 28, 2013


Everything was going so well. Until last night when I received a text from one of my sons friends.
He is doing it again, she said. What is he doing I questioned. He says he wants to kill himself again she said.
Christ. I actually texted Christ. Oh no. And then I ran upstairs my shirt barely covering my boxers and burst into his room. He was not in his room, he was not under his blankets, he was not in his closet in a ball. I ran through the hall stumbling over toys and anxious suddenly that I would find him blue and cold just like I see him in my dreams. He was in the bathroom. I tried to talk to him through the door… He asked me to let him finish in peace. I didn't stop talking. I'll never let you go I said, I won't leave you until you're well.
And today we traveled from doctor to doctor and met with a case manager. Everything he said scared me. I told him I loved him… I told him that he could tell me he worshiped the devil and ate babies, that he wanted to rape and pillage and cause mass chaos, I told him that my love for him was unconditional. He could tell me that he felt like he was a warning in a man's skin and I would love him. I would never judge my child. He said if I really loved him that I would let him go. Don't I want him to be happy? Is It fair to expect him to suffer? In his mind this mental illness that he has, the sickness as his friends put it, is not something he should have to bear. And if I love Him I would understand that and let him go. I will never ever let you go I told him.
He has no fear of death, this child of mine who are was raised to be spiritual and not afraid. And he wonders why suddenly I'm so afraid of death. I'm not afraid of dying actually… I am not afraid of the natural order of things. My child committing suicide is not the natural order. It is not supposed to happen. No amount of metaphysical talk can convince me that this is part of the plan.
And so we packed for the hospital. We packed because I can't sit next to him 24 hours a day. I can't protect him in the way that I need to protect him. And I will never let him go… So we packed. And then we went from one doctor to the next asking for help. And in the end his doctor said we should take it one day at a time. He will promise me every day that he is safe And he will tell me if he is not. I wonder if this is enough. He tells me there's something about him that if I knew i would judge him. He said even his doctor said it was wrong, that this is how society acts and beliefs. There are rules. I don't know what this thing is but I can't imagine ever judging my child.
Maybe I should not know what this dreadful thing is that he fears. This thing he's only told a few people and watched as those people turn their backs.
I only know one thing. I love my son.

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