Friday, May 31, 2013

One day at a time

I had the boy all packed and ready to go back to the hospital this Tuesday. I didn't see how we could avoid it this time. I decided to try to call his new therapist. I had a thin hope that if he could connect with this guy, although he had not seen this counselor for many years, that we could avoid that green mile.
I kept reaching the answering machine and was running out of hope - and time, as school was letting out and the other kids coming home.
S told me that we all needed to prepare ourselves for his death because he just could not live this way anymore. He said he was waiting on a sign from god to tell him if this was the right way. I told him that when we try to test God and when we ask for signs we can never be sure what we see is the answer. Especially when we are hoping for a particular outcome. And I had this horrible fear just then that the wrong song would come on the radio and that would be his sign. That would be his death sentence. I turned off the radio.
We had to stop at the bank and although he was packed and seemed alright with the decision to go to the hospital, I had to make him get it in the car and ride with me. I can't leave him alone right now.
I finished my business at the bank and as I went to leave I looked behind me and there was a local pastor who I knew had the therapist personal cell phone number. That would have been the sign. For me that would have been God reaching out his hand. And I gave him the message and he agreed to call this therapist to see what we could do.
I returned to the car, I told S that this was the miracle we needed. If he was looking for a sign, this was the sign. I do not think he agreed. But just a few moments later my phone rang and I was able to take him immediately to the office. Thank God.
S is able to talk to this therapist in the way he had not talked to anybody in months. And when we left I was told it was safe to take him home.
I'm still getting calls. I received a call from the case manager and from his guidance counselor and neither thought that he was safe to be home. I half expected the school to call the police and have him taken to the emergency room. Waited anxiously for the bus and was so happy to see him step down across the street. Every single minute with him right now is borrowed time.
The only reason he is not in the hospital is because he has expressed a strong desire for camping and hiking this summer. He has plans in the intends to make those plans happen. But he told the school not to expect him to be back in the fall. Out of sheer anxiety I asked our pastor to please meet with me. She had several ideas for me. I don't feel safe that he is not taking his medication and she suggested that I make a deal with him, that he can be home and free this summer if he agrees to get back on his medication. I picked his medication up from the pharmacy and I told him what we needed to do. He agreed. Has been two days now on medication And we agreed that if there was no change in two weeks we would talk over this issue again.
I cherish every single second with my children. Right now I take nothing for granted. He is on my radar at all times, he is in the back of my head every single second of every day. There's not a moment I'm not aware of him. When you have a child who is suicidal, did not sleep well at night. You wonder if you'll be there when you go to wake him up in the party. You wonder about how you will handle it, if you will send the other children to school and pretend everything is okay… And then break down the minute the bus pulls away. You think about things you wish you didn't have to think about. You think about things that nobody should ever have to think about. Not when you have a healthy child, a child who is almost never sick… a Child free of disease.
It is unbearable to see your child in pain and to be unable to comfort him. My child does not want to live. He does not feel worthy of life. He feels that if he is sick, that he has no purpose and he should be gone. He feels no hope. And he has no concept that the pain he was feeling is temporary. There is no Band-Aid for this. I cannot wrap him up in my arms and make him love himself.
But right now nothing else matters. No plans that I might have matter. There is nothing more that I have to do than be a mother. This is the sole purpose of my existence right now and my hope is that if I can get him through the next couple years… He will be okay. I wish I could stress to every other parent I see how valuable every minute is with your child. Nothing else that you might want to do matters. All five of my children need me in ways they have never needed me and may never need me again. What matters is right now. This moment.
I will hang up any phone call, I will stop eating, I will rush home from the most important of meetings if my children need me. There is nothing else.

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