After dropping my son at the hospital...as relieved as I felt after viewing pictures of the hospital that almost made the place look like Club Med...I threw up. I was in a terrible mood all afternoon and stayed in my room most of the afternoon. Just after I pulled myself together, he called to beg me to get him out. I could hear screaming and general chaos in the background. Suddenly, it became very clear to me why they do not let parents visit the unit. Nobody would leave their child there if they knew how bad it could get.
Today, I began the day by calling the Mental Hygiene legal experts. The news was not good. Four doctors recommended my son's transfer. All of them worried that he was not ready...not safe. And yet, he is nothing like the other children on the unit. Most of them appear to be severely autistic. Why are there no options for kids like MINE? If you cannot afford the thousands and thousands of dollars a private hospital charges...you are left with very little. The most I could do today was advocate on his behalf. I called St.James, the local hospital he was transferred from. I begged them to call Elmira and plead for privileges ..anything that would make it possible for him to get away from the chaos when he felt that he needed to. They operate on a point system and because Seth has not been there more than a day, he has not earned enough points to go to the "fitness center" or even the dining hall. He is stuck in an environment unlike anything he has ever seen. They assured me that he was where he needed to be and told me how I could reassure him. I don't think ANYthing I say will reassure him, certainly nothing less than "pack your bags, I'm coming to get you".
I finally was able to speak to his social worker. I told her to picture your All American boy. Sports teams, AP classes, composes music on the piano, a wonderful big brother. The kind of kid that other parents WISH they had. He's a fantastic, smart kid. Right now, he has had his reality shattered and needs to get back on his feet but he is NOT out of his head disturbed. I worry that this WILL make him disturbed! I worry about the affect just a few days in this place will have on him. One thing is for sure...he will NEVER say another crazy thing in his life (hopefully) after being exposed to the worst of the worst. Hopefully he will come out grateful for his life, his sanity, his family. His freedom. But on the other hand...what if this scares him so much that when he really does need help he won't ask for it? What if he becomes afraid that telling the truth will result in him being locked in a nightmare?
I was up all night. So many scenarios went through my head. Finally, I bought some Advil PM just to catch a bit of sleep. I think about him constantly. I'm distracted or on the phone all the time and the younger kids have taken to yelling and fighting out of nowhere the minute they see me on the phone. And therefore, it's very obvious to me that they resent all of the attention being focused on their older brother and need some on themselves. It's very, very hard for me to be in the present when my mind is with him. This afternoon, I did some online drawing classes with the girls and we all watched Survivor as a family and ate ice cream. I think they really appreciated that time together. I felt guilty for not calling Seth. I felt like eating ice cream when he is eating bland food that is delivered to him on a hospital tray was a guilty pleasure. And I replay so many t hings that have happened and try to learn from them, so I don't make the same mistakes with the other children. Four doctors have told me there is no blame. They have said to me over and over again that this is an organic, biological, chemical problem. It does not take away the regret.
I told the Social Worker that I was worried for him and that someone there needed to be his advocate and make sure he knew where he could go when he needed to relax. They have prescribed him anti anxiety medication but he has never taken it and won't ask for it. And he worries that if he DOES ask for it, that they will just write down that he was anxious and it will be another strike against him. He needs to be here, with his family and his friends, with everyone who loves him. And I know that they tell me I can't keep him safe and that this is for the best...but there has to be another way.
Tomorrow I am leaving at 8am and driving to the hospital to meet with the Social Worker. She seemed surprised that I was willing to come at any time, with a moments notice. I have to wonder what she is used to dealing with. Wouldnt any mother drop everything to come, if it meant her child could be home sooner? Am I that different from other parents that just accept what has happened and carry on with their lives? I feel like a piece of my SOUL is missing. There is nothing I would not do to make him well and have him with us. I am so grateful for the good in my child. I'm grateful he is not one of the children screaming in the background when he calls me. I'm so utterly and completely thankful he is not the little boy in the room next door who spends his day banging his head on the wall and I pray for those parents and for that little boy. I'm proud that my son was not one of the kids stealing the keys from their teacher at the hospital today. He has not lunged at anyone or tried to choke them.
I will pray for those who have to cope with such things...but pain and regret and loss are all relative and as grateful as I am for what I have, I feel this immense sense of loss and helplessness. I have a beautiful boy and he is not with us tonight. And I pray for him as well.
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