Thursday, May 12, 2011


The smell of coffee and cat litter. I am reminded of my two roles as wife and mother, sitting comfortably amidst the clutter of light sabres, water pistols and hats hastily discarded this morning on the way to the bus. I settle in to think with my fingers when the dog barks and I remember that I let him out ten minutes ago. My mind is swiss cheese. I am finding ways around that, like using Seth's old Ipod (as far as I can see the most ingenious invention since the microwave for saving time and effort in a hurry).
   A sigh. A groan. A twinge in my sacroiliac. A sheltie running in circles and grateful to be allowed back inside. If nothing else, my loyal dog is always happy for the small things. In this, we find common ground. We both appreciate short walks around the lawn. I call this walking the property. In my mind, on these jaunts I make all kinds of improvements to the place. I plan beautiful rock gardens, herb gardens, vegetable gardens. I turn our forsaken little barn with the terra cotta roof into a little goat pen. I make a chicken coop in the garage. There are dogwoods and lilac trees and the prettiest flowering crab apples down by the road. I even paint the porch with bright colors. A different color on every beam. A rainbow of colors for the steps. Miko is happy sniffing little patches of daffodil, peppermint and catnip and these small joys fill me with delight also. Watching the sun peep over the hill to the east fills me with calm. We are sandwiched between two hills in a little gully with the railroad tracks. Storms echo between the two hills and the cold settles in for eight or nine months of the year it seems. We get very little direct sun and so far all of my gardening has been in my dreams. This year, I told Laura, we are getting our hands on a rototiller. I am buying a juicer. When the boys were small, I had a garden shaped like a maze filled with little toad houses and surrounded by marigolds. I canned dozens of quarts of tomatoes and sauce and even had a roadside stand to sell it. I miss that. Lately, I have been focusing on feeding the children the most healthy food possible. I forced everyone to watch Food Inc. I think that soon they will be on the bandwagon playing my tune. With the exception of Seth who is his father's son. He will be organizing I Hate Michael Moore rallys as soon as he can drive.
   If planting a seed  makes me happy, than I will plant ten seeds. It is so essential to find happiness wherever I can. I have been told that I am reserved. Laura wonders all the time whether I am happy because I am not a laugh out loud kind of person. I sometimes wish that I was the kind of person who could throw my head back, hold my stomach and laugh until the tears ran but I find that its better for me to maintain a balance. My life is a marathon and I have to pace myself. I have said that to take my life one day at a time is to much. I have to take it one minute at a time. I cannot afford a rollercoaster of emotions. But they do come. I will pace myself and find one day that all of a sudden the emotions just hit me in a flash flood. Everyone needs to watch out when that happens. If I don't meditate, if I don't find those small moments of happiness, if I do not find time for solitude and time for my relationship it happens more often. If I start to think I am alone, instead of hand in hand with spirit, I will get overwhelmed more quickly. I do not have family living anywhere nearby. It is my tribe...and I. Every woman, every where, needs to appreciate the still, small moments of her life.

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