OMG is a four letter word

Chaperoning the fourth grade field trip to Letchworth State Park was an eye opening experience. I have such fond memories of riding the bus to the zoo with these same children as Kindergartners, wearing Little Princess t-shirts and velcro sneakers. In three short years they have grown into the equivalent of my own seventh grade class twenty years ago. When my junior class attended our class picnic at the same park, in the same pavilion, I saw a CD for the first time.It has been said recently that our the life are children live is experientially as different from the twentieth century as our lives were from the eighteenth century.
The kids riding the bus yesterday were sporting iphones and digital cameras. I broke up one fight between boys and confiscated an Ipod when I discovered the fourth grader holding it was watching x rated videos. The girls were catty and it was obvious which clique was holding all the cards. It was more obvious who the ring leader of the group was and she easily drew tears when her minions did not follow orders. I try to see the little girl inside and wonder if it is insecurity that forces her to create a circle around herself. If it is insecurity that persuades her to do whatever it takes to keep that circle intact. The other girls were willing to forsake their own ideals just to stay in her favor. She was the Queen and they were her ladies in waiting. When they started singing together in the back of the bus, I was able to look beyond appearances and see the children still inside of them. Until they started singing, word for word, the latest pop singles. They definitely were not singing girl scout songs. And the boys were not talking about soccer or baseball, they were discussing the latest Grand Theft Auto xbox game.

My best friend is a teacher and she told me a story about taking her class to see the famous Cleopatra exhibit in Philadelphia. In order to go on the trip, the kids were missing another activity at school that day in which they were being given cookies. The kids were bored and listless and complaining constantly that they were not getting their cookie. Our local kids don't have the chance to see such famous museums but it is quite possible that if they did, the same would be true. If it does not have multimedia or lasers or a coffee house, it just is not going to excite the kids of today. It is a sad phenomenon and I wonder why we would encourage it. All I hear is "mine" and "want" and "bored" from my children and it was not that way just a short year or two ago. Things are different now and by different I do not mean better. Don't we want them to think for themselves? Don't we want them to be KIDS?

I expect to see the high school kids sporting cell phones and Ipods but when did it become "the thing" to put expensive technology in the hands of kids so young that they cannot stop themselves from running to the edge of a cliff or into a patch of poison ivy? These days, facebook and cell phones ARE poison ivy in the hands of children too immature to think before they hit "send". When my own daughter asked me for a cell phone and told me that most of her class had one, I did not believe her. I did not think it could possibly be true that nine and ten year old kids had phones. But they do. I understand wanting to keep track of a teenager but at ten, I know where my daughter is at all times. And if I need to talk to her, I can call the parent of the child she is with. If she is at school, I can email her teacher. I don't need to search for her and I WANT her to have adults she can go to for help. It's important that she be able to talk to her teacher and she does not need me on speed dial. Being able to text me at a moment's notice may make us closer but it separates her from the rest of the world. It changes the way she communicates. It make SEEM to make her more independent but I think in fact that the opposite is true.

Texting is changing the way our kids interact. It is changing the way they socialize. My teenager can have long, deep conversations with his girlfriends on facebook or with a phone but finds he can't talk to the same girls when they are face to face. And when I try to understand them when they ARE forced to talk, they speak with abbreviations and monosyllables. OMG. WTH. LOL. I would rather have them actually laugh out loud then substitute that with a three letter word. In this case, 3 does equal 4. What we have done to our children with this so called progress IS a four letter word. Rumors spin out of control. Bullying is no longer hand to hand, it is done with the ease of a button. Kids are killing themselves over this.

I want to encourage my children to explore themselves. Express themselves. PLAY. Playing this game of who has the best phone and who has the most contacts is taking away their childhood. It was easy to spot the offspring of the parents who still believe this. They were making up games, collecting leaves, looking for wildlife and playing on the playground. Most of the boys seemed to be phone free and they teamed up to play baseball. My daughter wanted to take as many pictures as she could of a little girl with a life threatening illness and created memories that she would be able to cherish. She tried to protect the kids who were feeling sick on the bus. She was not alone entirely in this. I saw a few girls covering their sick friend with their own jackets and stroking her head to make her feel better. I saw little boys excited over holding a snake and my own daughters best friend brought home two little snails. She protected them as best she could on the ride home until another child was dared to eat one. I watched in awe as this sweet little girl bit into a snail just because the popular crew was chanting her name. She wanted desperately to fit into this group.

Bella's best friend was wearing a shirt she made herself and still had bits of face paint on her cheeks from the day before. They didn't compare labels on their clothes and they did not spend their time shooting texts. Later that day, Bella's best friend made her very FIRST phone call to our house (using her MOM'S cell phone) just to say "I love you, Bella". I saw them caring. And sharing. And expressing concern for the girl's in the back of the bus who only seemed to care who had the best phone. Bella is still a little girl. She finds joy in hula hooping and still takes baths with her little sister. I see her growing up but it is ok with me if she takes her time. She will only be a child for a few short years and there is plenty of time for her to stress about things like phones and blogs and social pressure in the years ahead. If she wants to ask a friend to play, she can walk down the street and knock on their door the old fashioned way. She can have fun with a garden hose or in the creek. She can run in the sun and pick flowers without worrying about her tan or her hair. And she does not need to stop what she is doing to check her text messages. Life should be simple. Carefree. Fun. If that means she deals with not having the latest of everything, so be it.

Chaos Rules the Day

It was the kind of dream that feels real. I heard my alarm ringtone sounding off, Mr.Bean trying to sing me awake. But it was ringing in my dream too and apparently I was not ready to let go. I was in a theatre with a friend I have not seen in years. She was very important in my life and we were together watching a film. She invited me back to her hotel to sleep, which felt like home since at one time she saved my life as a teenager and let me live in her home. I kept reaching into my Casey Was Here bag and hitting snooze when it rang.
After stopping the alarm from interfering with my reunion five times, my eyes popped open. That really WAS Mr.Bean trying to wake me up! Shit! I looked at the clock and lept from the bed. My joints were screaming at me to slow down but it was 7:24 and the bus would arrive at 7:35. Eleven minutes. I hit the floor bellowing.
"Wake up, everybody get their boots on the ground! We slept in. Make it in ten minutes and I'll ...take you to DISNEY WORLD!"
Maybe it wasnt Disney World...maybe it was just a cupcake.
But I didnt feel like driving. Today is an important day. Thanks to Seth's help yesterday, I feel almost ready for this day. Today my father is coming and we are having a birthday party and fathers day celebration. This means the world to me because it is the very FIRST time I will celebrate my Dad's birthday. Or Fathers Day. I grew up without my birth father. The first time I met him, I was twelve and he was signing adoption papers. When I was old enough to do so, I sought him out and we have an unbelievably rich relationship. He is a constant support. This year I got my first birthday card (two actually, because he could not decide on which he liked best), my first Valentines Day card and my first care package with an actual chocolate Easter Bunny. I am planning on cooking for him for the very first time. Watching him blow out his candles. Watching him smile when he gets the shirt covered in my kids handprints. I'm so excited.
But THIS was not the way to start out such an auspicious day.
Flying into the kitchen, I reheated day old coffee for Seth. He can't go into finals without caffeine. I'm thinking about yesterday and how I woke up to Seth putting Sage in the tub, a FRESH cup of coffee and laundry tumbling in the dryer. Paybacks are a bitch. And I thought my karma was repaid when I took him lunch at school yesterday. Back to reality!
Isabella is ready in five minutes. God love that child and her sense of responsibility. The maturity I see in her every day now. She is combing her own hair and out the door in minutes. Even Sage is throwing on clothes. Now I know her secret...and no more twenty minute arguments just to put on a sock. She can do it when she feels like doing it. Seth and Ian are moving slowly. I'm screaming Ian's name when I realize he is standing right next to me. But I don't have time to pull my hair out. As Ian lectures me about an argument that took place yesterday, I look frantically for Seth's Boston Red Sox hat. He is not going to leave the house without it. At least he won't have to find his backpack. He left it at school yesterday. Not a good sign when he has finals today. But that is going to just be what it is and I can't fix it now. All I can do is pour caffeine down his throat and hope for the best.
Riley is quiet, but quick. He is already outside screaming that he can see the bus. Because I don't have time to find Sage's Justin Bieber messenger bag, I throw a fruit roll up in the laptop bag. And she is out the door. I don't have even a second to throw kisses and laugh at Riley for carrying his socks in his hand onto the bus.
It is obvious that Seth and Ian won't make it. Ian is still following me and ranting about yesterday's drama. I bribed them to clean the house while I shopped. Apparently, Seth told the other boys that they would still get their reward as long as HE got the work done. I'm not going to argue this with Ian but I need to make this a life lesson for him. Who knows what Seth's motives were (and the entire thing was probably a misunderstanding anyhow...but that is beside the point since Ian does not understand simple misunderstandings) and whatever they were, the fact was that I was very clear about what I wanted when I left the house. Seth doesnt get to change the rules. If I say clean...then clean you must. Anyone could try to take advantage of Ian. Perhaps Seth just wanted to screw them out of a snack. I doubt it, but in life people will try to find gain in your loss. Ian is going to have to learn to do what he knows is right despite what people around him say. I won't argue with him because he knew what he was told to do and chose to not do it. And I don't care what the circumstances were. Knowing Ian, he will be still talking about this when he is thirty. In the end, he helped me empty the dish washer and put groceries away and he got his reward. I hope he will let this go because now I have to throw on some shorts and drive them to school. That is when I realize that Riley left without taking his pill.
I don't even know what is up or down anymore. I fill a to-go cup with coffee for myself and race to the car. My dreads are looking like sideshow Bob and my make up is smeared. As the boys fight over whether or not Seth can wear a hat that Ian never wears, I leave to sit in the car. I can see Ian race out the front door to claim shot gun. I hope that Seth will choose to not make a big deal out of this.
My phone is going off and as I pull out, I see that Riley is begging for his own reward. Apparently he had clean clothes in his bag and was able to change his shirt on the bus. He wants me to bring take out to school. Seth is being quiet in the back, not argueing with Ian over the front seat and showing the kind of maturity that I see more often lately...but not often enough to make life simple. I hand him the phone so he can text Riley and tell him NO. I could explain my busy day a hundred times to Riley and he will only get louder and begin to text in all capital letters.
I am worried about finals. Ian tells me that he can't understand half the formulas he needs to pass today and he won't pass without a good grade on that exam. Seth says that he is having trouble in math too. Because I understand completely having failed my math regents three times, I pass him my coffee and let him finish it off.
The next ten minutes were spent rushing around the school, combing the cafeteria and finally having Riley paged.
Riley has his meds, Seth has his coffee, Ian is wearing a clean shirt and the other kids made my day and got on the bus with a minimum of threats of retribution.
And now I'm seeing bats.
It's time to brew a fresh pot of coffee and try to remember how to breathe.

A sub best eaten alone.

Last night, there was a concert at the elementary school. My two best "mamas" and our families sat together and we watched our daughters, bedecked in their finery and so very proud of themselves, perform. This was Isabella and Gillian's last performance with the elementary chorus. Next year, they move on to a different chorus and as fifth graders will have their own lockers. And bras. Braces possibly. Boyfriends. It was bittersweet watching them and hearing their sweet voices. I am desensitized behind my video camera and am concerned with getting the picture. But my dear friends had tears in their eyes. They were the emotional wreck I become when I watch the video later. Over and over again. Our children are growing up.

This morning, I awoke to a pot of fresh, hot coffee. Seth is fifteen and this morning he had my eight year old up and in the tub with her clothes in a little pile, ready for the day. After her bath, he blow dried her hair and styled it for her. When Sage was born, Seth cut her cord. They have always had a bond. We are having difficulty getting Sage to pay attention and focus, to the point where sometimes it takes her twenty minutes just to put on a pair of socks. She needs constant reminders. This morning, when I ran short on patience, Seth said, "Here, let me try." Considering the last few weeks Seth and I have had, it was a jaw dropping moment.

Seth has devised his own personal schedule. He tries to go to bed at six pm and then wakes up at 2am to do homework and enjoy the very early morning peace and quiet before the rest of the kids get up. Sometimes this just does not work out and yesterday he fell asleep on the couch at four pm and was still sleeping when I went to bed at ten pm. I know that Seth deals with a large amount of daily stress. Having a large family means that I don't have the luxury of much one on one time with each child. I am often spread very thin and watching my eldest, knowing that I cannot go back and change a thing and that my time with him at home is drawing to a close, I feel regret. I love having a huge family. I love the chaos and the laughter, the noise...even the mess sometimes. I know I will miss having stuffed animals on the floor and spilled milk at the table. I have learned to appreciate the crayon marks on the wall and the hand prints on the windows of my car. I do wish I had more time for each child. I am blessed to be able to stay at home with them. I may be poor but I am rich with love. And even though it may be difficult on all of us when I am sick and in bed, I would not trade these years with my children for anything. Not even a high paying job. Seth and Ian are irish twins and with this comes a kind of intense sibling rivalry that I don't see with the other children. Because Ian is autistic, it just adds to the problems that Seth deals with on a daily basis. A disabled brother means that Seth stands out in school at a time when all he really wants to do is blend with his peers. He has a brother he can't possibly understand and this is frustrating to Seth. Like me, Seth is a fixer. He just wants life to go smoothly. In a family this size, with three special needs children, it just is not possible.

When I spoke to Seth's doctor about the problems we were having, he encouraged me to allow Seth the illusion of control and power. I was told that in a single mother household, the eldest (especially if they are male) take on a large amount of responsibility. Even when I'm not intentionally putting that responsibility on his shoulders, he still feels the weight. The obligation. Seth's doctor told me to try to give Seth a chance to use that responsibility and to give him privledges that reflect his status as the oldest son. This week, instead of fighting Seth at every turn, at feeling insulted and judged when Seth tries to point out a different way of doing things-I listened. I try to do things like make sure he has the biggest helping at dinner. I try to implement ideas when I can. Usually, when the children are arguing, I will take them aside in private and speak to them. Or let them work it out themselves. Siblings are good practice for life. But Seth felt like I was NEVER taking his side. He was not HEARING me take his side and it bothered him. He felt that because Ian was autistic, I was giving him special favors and I was being unfair. I usually say to the kids that there is just no way to BE fair in this situation. Even Stevens never works. I treat them differently because they ARE different. And I have very high expectations for Seth which is why I push him harder. Being the oldest also makes him a guinea pig. Anything positive I have learned about parenting, I learned by making a mistake with Seth. It can't be easy to be him. This week I made sure that he heard me taking his side. A new pair of Leo Gutti jeans and a Hollister shirt from ebay helped, also. I don't think there is anything wrong with a little bribe here and there. I even let Seth drive.

This morning, I was so amazed that there was coffee and laundry in the drier. I was so proud of Seth for taking Sage under his wing. I decided to buy Seth lunch at Subway and take it to him. Lunch for two and I headed into the school with a big smile on my face. Usually, I have lunch with Sage and just as she is leaving I am able to catch Isabella. When Isabella is finished, I run to the high school cafeteria and sit with Riley for a bit. Ian will duck into a doorway and hide if he sees me coming so I know that my time hanging out with Riley and his friends is probably limited. Seth has not wanted me to have lunch with him in years and I thought that the sub would be persuasive. His friend's were definitely jealous of the big lunch but Seth was worried that his friends would think it wasnt cool if I sat with them. And he did not want to be the guy sitting at a table alone with his mom. He suggested that we take a drive and eat while we drove. What a great idea, but one I will have to implement next year. We were running out of time. I looked at Seth and I knew it was important to him that I understand. And I did. As much as I had hoped for a little time with Seth at lunch, the object was to show my appreciation and make him happy. So I grinned and gave him his food and then I left him to do his "thing". I'm working very hard to understand that he is growing up. He wants to help and if I give him a chance, he will. He wants respect desperately and respect is a circle. When I show him that I respect him and that I am listening, he responds. I am blessed that he feels it is ok to tell me how he feels and knows that I will understand. I hope the doors of communication stay open for a good long time. I miss the little boy who would throw himself into my arms in the middle of the classroom but I'm very proud of the man my son is becoming. It takes daily work, on both our parts. We are very different people. He does not understand that I love the simple life, that I'm happy not working if it means I can be there for my kids or that love means something different to me than it does to him. But we are learning to respect our differences and work together.

I still have a few years of childhood left with my girls. I still have ample opportunity to show all five of them that they are loved. I hope that three years is enough time to teach Seth what he needs to know in order to thrive as an adult. It is never too late to start again and I don't want to have any more regrets. Perhaps this is a week of new beginnings for a boy who is growing into a man and a mom who is never too old to learn.